


Melody of the Heart

by Jitaeri



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-06-05 14:51:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6709342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jitaeri/pseuds/Jitaeri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Can you hear it?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_"Love is not selective, just as the light of the sun is not selective." - Eckhart Tolle_

The music slowed to a stop and the crowd erupted into a deafening roar as they concluded their performance. Youngbae was floating on air, because thiswas it. This unity, the connection between people, between him and the fans, between him and Jiyong, all made possible through music. He could feel the energy and he knew Jiyong could feel it too, because this was everything they had ever dreamed of as scrawny little twelve year olds mopping floors together.

 In that one surreal moment, it was as if time was slowing down. 

The deafening roar of the crowd became a muted background hum as a hand gently caressed the back of his head and pushed him forward. He was engulfed by Jiyong's embrace and his eyes fluttered to a close as he wrapped his arms around his best friend's torso and returned the hug in full. 

What happened next was so quick he thought that he must have been imagining things, but there was no mistaking the warm breath against his skin and the ever faint brush of lips again the shell of his ear. 

"Can you hear it?" Jiyong breathed into his ear and time came to a halt.

One second.

Two seconds.

A startled breath that was probably his own.

And then time resumed, the deafening cheers returned, and he was released from Jiyong's embrace. As Jiyong pulled away from him, Youngbae caught a flash of something (disappointment?) in his best friend's expression, his eyes dimming and his smile faltering for only a fraction of a second before he swiftly turned to the crowd for one last bow and exited the stage. 

Youngbae followed closely behind the younger man, his eyebrows slightly furrowed, pondering the meaning behind Jiyong's question and wondering why he was unable to provide him with an answer. 


	2. Can You Hear It?

       

 

 

  
SBS 가요대전 #tomford @ibgdrgn

* * *

 Youngbae looked over his description one more time to make sure that he was satisfied with it and ultimately decided that it was good enough. With a simple tap on his iPhone, the picture was uploaded onto his Instagram account and was out for the whole world to see, to the glee of thousands of VIPs. He looked at the image of Jiyong's cool expression and of his own almost arrogant confidence and wished that he felt as self-assured and calm as the picture portrayed. 

The SBS waiting room was bustling with artists that had just walked the red carpet and were waiting to be seated for the event to begin. There was idle chitchat amongst band members, stylists fussing over an idol's make up, and the occasional camera man taking footage of the artists in the room, undoubtedly to compile a behind-the-scenes video after the event was over and done with. Meanwhile, Youngbae's stomach was doing aerobics and his foot tapped on its own like it was possessed while Jiyong tapped away on his phone and finished up his Instagram update. 

"You finished posting it?"

Youngbae looked over his shoulder to see Jiyong now standing behind his chair, hunched over to look at his phone.

"Yeah," he answered absentmindedly, wondering when Jiyong had moved and why he didn't notice it. 

Jiyong's eyes narrowed as he scrutinized his friend and Youngbae looked on nervously, feeling his heart pounding under Jiyong's gaze. It always made him nervous when Jiyong looked at him like that. Hell, it would make anyone feel nervous. Those eyes belonged to leader G-Dragon, the one with sharp words that could cut your pride; a person who called out imperfection when he sees it because he only wanted the best. At the same time, those eyes belong to Kwon Jiyong; the boy who cried over their friendship because he felt so blessed, the one who was more excited about his best friend's comeback than himself. Youngbae never knew which one he would get. Jiyong was always unpredictable like that.

"Stand up."

"What?"

"Your tie is messed up," was Jiyong's explanation as he tugged on the collar of Youngbae's suit, urging him to stand. Youngbae followed the movement and was soon standing face to face with Jiyong, who extended his arms out and expertly undid Youngbae's tie.

"Jiyong–." 

Like a fed up parent dealing with a troublesome child, Jiyong roughly pulled at Youngbae's collar, pulling him forward until he could feel Jiyong's breath on his face. Jiyong then proceeded to tie Youngbae's tie, as if the shorter man was incapable of doing it himself and Youngbae was too busy flushing to say or do anything that suggested otherwise. 

It wasn't the first time that his best friend had failed to grasp the basic concept of personal space and normally Youngbae wouldn't  have minded, but he wasn't an oblivious teenager anymore and the look in Jiyong's eyes hasn't changed.

"What's wrong?" Jiyong asked, his whispers lost to everyone else but Youngbae amongst the bustle of the waiting room, drowned out by idol laughter and voices. It would have been easier to keep quiet, but something in Jiyong's tone of voice always dragged out the words he wanted to swallow. 

"This is the first time we've been to the Gayo Daejuns as two instead of five," Youngbae whispered back, unable to stop the dam of words that he has been holding back. "People are expecting a lot out of us and I don't want to let them down. It's been years since our last comeback and don't you think we should go over the choreography for Ringa Linga one more time?" 

After listening to Youngbae's ramble Jiyong let out a low whistle, the faint smell of nicotine floating from his breath. Youngbae didn't even remember if Jiyong had the time to sneak in a cig between perfecting their outfits and being interviewed on the red carpet or if he had one on the drive over.

"I haven't seen this Taeyang since Solar era," muttered Jiyong as he fixed the collar of Youngbae's suit. 

Solar era. The time when he was too focused on perfection to step back and enjoy the stage, back when he had his forever fauxhawk, back when he needed a girl.

Things have changed.

 _He_  has changed.

But in a sense, he hasn't changed at all.

Youngbae remained silent, eyes following Jiyong's nimble fingers as he slowly tied the knot.

"Relax," Jiyong whispered in a low voice, rubbing Youngbae's tense shoulders soothingly. Before Jiyong could do or say anything else, the room began to move. Suddenly, they were being ushered out into the seating area as the first few idols went backstage to prepare for the opening act. Jiyong was swept away by a crowd of idols being led to the seating area by a staff member who was too busy looking worriedly at a seating chart to realize that Youngbae wasn't following the crowd. As soon as there was some distance between him and Jiyong, he felt as if he could breathe again. 

Ever since  _that_  night, Youngbae did his best to avoid Jiyong. He wasn't sure if Jiyong remembered anything from that night, but if he did, he was doing a fine job of acting like he didn't. Meanwhile, Youngbae felt like the world was closing in on him as he began to see a  side of Jiyong that he didn't (but should have) noticed before. 

But maybe it was just him. Maybe it's just classic Youngbae thinking too much again, like he always does. 

But then again, maybe it wasn't.

It wasn't long until Youngbae knew he had to rejoin Jiyong before he or the staff could have the chance to worry. He made his way through the crowd, apologizing to other idols as he pushed past them, until he spotted Jiyong. The leader was craning his neck over the crowd in search of Youngbae and when he finally caught sight of him and his blonde hair, his worried expression dissolved into a grin. Youngbae took his place by Jiyong's side and the younger man felt that the world was suddenly less chaotic than it had been moments earlier. Before they exited the waiting room, Jiyong flung an arm around Youngbae's shoulder and pulled him in close so that his lips were practically on Youngbae's cheek as he whispered into his ear. 

"We've done it before and we can do it again," he said before everything was drowned out by the roar of cheering fans.

Youngbae knew he meant well, but Jiyong's words of encouragement only made him even more worried than before. 

* * *

Before they knew it, their turn had come.

As soon as they hit the stage, everything that Youngbae had been fretting about disappeared. He and Jiyong dominated the stage as the duo they were meant to be and by the time "Bad Boy" came to an end, all that Youngbae could think about was the cheer of the fans and the comforting feeling of the familiar presence of Jiyong besides him.

The music slowed to a stop and the crowd erupted into a deafening roar as they concluded their performance. Youngbae was floating on air, because this was it. This unity, the connection between people, between him and the fans, between him and Jiyong, all made possible through music. He could feel the energy and he knew Jiyong could feel it too, because this was everything they had ever dreamed of as scrawny little twelve-year-olds mopping floors together in the practice room.

In that one surreal moment, it was as if time had slowed down. 

The deafening roar of the crowd became a muted background hum as a hand gently caressed the back of his head and pushed him forward. He was engulfed by Jiyong's warm embrace and his eyes fluttered to a close as he wrapped his arms around his best friend's torso and returned the hug in full. 

What happened next was so quick he thought that he must have been imagining things, but there was no mistaking the warm breath against his skin and the ever faint brush of lips again the shell of his ear. 

"Can you hear it?" Jiyong breathed into his ear and time came to a halt.

One second.

Two seconds.

A startled breath that was probably his own.

 _Hear what?_ was what he wanted to say, but the moment passed.

Time resumed, the deafening cheers returned and he was released from Jiyong's embrace. As Jiyong pulled away from him, Youngbae caught a flash of something (disappointment?) in his best friend's expression, his eyes dimming and his smile faltering for only a fraction of a second before he swiftly turned to the crowd for one last bow and exited the stage. 

Youngbae automatically followed the leader half a beat later, but his heart was still pounding and his mind kept replaying the words that Jiyong whispered to him. He followed closely behind the younger man, his eyebrows slightly furrowed, pondering the meaning behind Jiyong's question and wondering why he was unable to provide him with an answer. 

 


	3. That Night

 

 

Gayo Daejun 2009

* * *

 

It was in the car ride back to YG when it finally hit him: they  _have_  performed as two in the Gayo Daejuns before. 

_"We've done it before, we can do it again."_

SBS Gayo Daejun, 2009.

How could he have forgotten? After doing joint stages with 2NE1, he and Jiyong did the last performance together. It was an entire stage dedicated to their friendship with a counter on the screen counting the years when they first became friends in 2000 all the way to 2009, the current year at the time. The screen behind them played videos of them as children, followed by a short interview where they each talked about each other and their friendship. Before the stage began, they had two small children, little miniature versions of themselves from the hairstyle to their outfits, hold hands and walk off stage together, a prelude to their own appearance on stage as two grown men with almost a decade of friendship between them. As he was remembering that, Youngbae realized that in that same year, they performed at the MAMA awards together as well, just the two of them.

Jiyong was sitting besides him texting. From the light of his phone's screen, Youngbae could barely make out his expression. Was he hurt that he didn't remember? The more he thought about it, the more ridiculous he felt for even feeling nervous in the first place. As he was contemplating whether to say anything, the car came to a stop and the two were being ushered out by a crowd of people. Teddy was the first to reach them and gave each of them a one armed hug before handing them a glass of champagne and ushering them into the building. Even though it was early morning by the time the performance ended, the YG New Years Party was just beginning.

"Couldn't have a proper start without you guys!" Sean hyung remarked and the crowd of YG artists cheered their agreement.

Before Youngbae could say anything, the two were separated and sucked into the party atmosphere. Youngbae could only nod and laugh along as he followed the Hi Tech dancers into the throng of bodies. The music started and Psy began his party pumping MC-ing from somewhere. For a second, Youngbae allowed himself to forget about everything that was bothering him and just allowed himself to have fun with the people he considered family.

He didn't notice Jiyong disappear into the bar area, glass of champagne already half gone by the time he reached the counter. 

Oddly enough, they both were trying their hardest to forget the very same thing that plagued them.

_That_ Night

2013 was a busy year for the both of them, for everyone in fact. The BIGBANG tour, Jiyong's solo promotion, and his upcoming comeback had them more than sufficiently busy. On top of that, he and Jiyong took a dive into the fashion world and they had photoshoots, red carpet events, and collaborations with STAMPD LA for their own clothing collection. That, plus his guest appearances at Jiyong's concert and Jiyong's help and support for his own album had them spending nearly every day together (or at least gave them a real excuse to spend time together since they usually see each other nearly every day anyways).

It was after his last stage performance for Ringa Linga that Jiyong and staff invited him to go out and celebrate his single release. He felt more than relieved at the suggestion because he honestly needed a break. They decided to meet at a club, rented out a private room, and had a nice time drinking and doing rounds of karaoke. They all had a good laugh at his manager's attempt to cover his Ringa Linga dance and even Jieun-noona, the stylist that he and Jiyong were closest to, did a commendable solo rendition of Jinusean's A-YO, bringing all sorts of memories back to them as they recalled their early trainee years. 

It was past midnight when the party started winding down and the dance music was replaced with soft, slow ballads. The background music continued to play as the lyrics flashed by on the screen, going along with the music even though there was no one to sing along. Youngbae was sitting next to Jiyong in silence. They were both a little buzzed, but the change in atmosphere had calmed them down into an almost serene state compared to the energetic atmosphere when they first arrived. Now, even the manager hyungs were relaxing while exchanging quiet conversations amongst themselves, waiting for the alcohol to wear off and calling in other staff members as back up drivers, just in case.

The silence between the two best friends was comfortable; they didn't need to say anything. Just merely sitting next to each other and enjoying each other's presence was enough.

Youngbae didn't realize how tired he was until he felt Jiyong touch his arm and his eyes blinked open in surprise. He didn't even realize that he had closed them.

"Should we get ready to go?" Jiyong asked and Youngbae nodded with a sleepy smile.

"Sorry for dozing off for a second," he replied sheepishly as Jiyong sat down after getting up to talk to their managers. They had to wait a few minutes for the manager hyungs to pull the car up.

"You deserve it. You've worked hard," Jiyong praised as he fiddled with his phone. Youngbae thought he was going to take a selca when a faint smile played on Jiyong's lips and his best friend turned the screen of his phone towards him.

Youngbae saw that he had a news article pulled up and as he leaned in closer to read it, he swatted Jiyong's phone away once he realized what it was.

"I regret everything," Youngbae mumbled as Jiyong burst into laughter, jabbing Youngbae with his free hand every once in awhile to rub the embarrassment in even more.

Jiyong had the transcript for the September _Naver Star Cast_ episode in which he gave Youngbae a call and asked for an update on his album. At the time, Youngbae thought that comparing his album release to constipation was a pretty accurate and witty way to answer the question,  but as time went on, those words came back to haunt him. Now, it made him cringe and flush in embarrassment and he just wanted to forget it, but Jiyong just _had_ to bring it up again.

"Stop reading it before I chuck your phone across the room," he threatened as Jiyong sat up from the bent over position he was in as he cackled away at Youngbae's misery.

Jiyong continued to browse the Web until something else caught his eye and Youngbae had a feeling that it was another embarrassing interview that he did.

When Jiyong sat there for a full minute without saying anything, Youngbae leaned over to read whatever he was reading.

_"G-Dragon and I lean on each other a lot … G-Dragon does it and I do it, too. We have a special relationship ... we are a match made in heaven, to the point I think I should marry someone like that if I were to marry. That is why we have a longing … We have our individual dispositions that are so different, which is why when we observe this, we long for each other.”_

It was an interview that he did not too long ago when the single dropped. Jiyong sat there in silence for a moment before breaking out into a small grin.

"Why would you need to marry someone  _like_  me when you can just marry  _me_?"

Youngbae turned to Jiyong to offer a joking response when he realized that Jiyong was already looking at him. The joke died on his lips as he saw the look in Jiyong's eyes, saw how for a brief moment they shone with clarity, sincerity, and even...hope.

_Was he being serious?_

_It was just a joke, right?_

Youngbae was suddenly unsure.

He just continued to stare at Jiyong, whose gaze never broke, not once.

As Youngbae tried to distinguish the truth from drunken admissions, he was tapped on the shoulder by one of the manager hyungs who told him that the car was ready. He was saved from providing an answer as everyone shuffled along  towards the exit, but he was painfully aware of Jiyong's presence trailing along behind him.

They entered the vehicle in silence and soon after, Jiyong promptly dozed off. 

For a moment he thought that he was indeed right and in his slightly intoxicated state, Jiyong had just been joking. However, as the car pulled up to his apartment, he was struck by a thought; just because he was drunk doesn't mean that he wasn't telling the truth.

That night, he went to bed repeating Jiyong's words over and over again in his mind.

The words have been haunting him ever since. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you that didn't know, the quote mentioned is an actual quote from an interview.


	4. A Slip of the Tongue

Jiyong came to when he felt a hand on his shoulder that gently, almost timidly, shook him awake. The sounds registered in his brain faster than the images did and so he heard the voice long before his eyes could adjust enough to see who was speaking to him.

"S-sunbaenim."

He recognized Jinwoo's large doe eyes immediately. The young trainee was gazing at him with eyes filled with uncertainty and a bit of fear, like he wasn't quite sure if what he did was right or wrong and he's scared he might be reprimanded for it either way. Jiyong finally registered that he had somehow passed out for a little bit. One hand was still loosely holding a glass filled with a drink of some sort that he didn't manage to finish. The condensation on the glass was thick, running down the length of the glass and forming a small pool of water on the table right next to where his head must of been before he was woken up. Annoyed with himself, Jiyong wiped his wet hands on the fabric of his pants, not really caring what Jinwoo would think, because the kid had already caught him in such an embarrassing state.

"I, uh, wanted to tell you that your performance at the MAMA awards with Youngbae sunbaenim was amazing," Jinwoo said quickly, his gaze glued to the ground. "You were asleep...I, I thought it would have been better if you..."

The trainee shook his head, realizing that he was speaking in a way that suggested that he knew better than his own senior and he felt terrible for the faux pas. He tried to rephrase his words.

"The table looked uncomfortable," he finished lamely and Jiyong would have laughed right then and there if he didn't think that the younger man would have taken it the wrong way. Instead, he settled for a curt nod and patted the empty chair next to him, hoping his hoobae would get the hint.

He didn't. Jinwoo awkwardly stood straight as a rod next to the table. He looked as if he was debating whether or not he should leave or if he should wait to be dismissed. After being a trainee for almost eight years, or maybe because he had been a trainee for so long, he still held his seniors in high regard, a reverence that he couldn't quite shake, even though he was going to finally debut as a member of Winner during the upcoming new year. 

"Ya, I make music for a living, I only bite a little," Jiyong joked, a smile forming on his lips before he even realized it.

Jinwoo scrambled onto the chair next to him, still stuck somewhere between awed and intimidated by Jiyong's presence, though he did crack a smile at Jiyong's joke.

Jiyong remembers being young, far younger than Jinwoo was at the moment, and worshipping the ground that his sunbaes walked on. He could see it in Jinwoo's eyes, the fear, the admiration, a hint of jealousy, but also an enormous amount of respect.

"Did anyone else see me?" Jiyong asked, curious as to whether others had seen him and just didn't have the courage to wake him or thought he was better left alone.

"I don't think so. I barely even found you myself," Jinwoo replied. "Most are at the bar or on the dance floor. I think everyone is having a good time."

Jiyong nodded slowly. He chose to sit in the obscure corner opposite the bar for a reason; the lighting was bad here and there was little chance of him bumping into someone and being forced into a conversation. When he and Youngbae arrived at the company, Jiyong made sure to make his way around the room and say a few words to everyone once the party began so that his disappearance wouldn't be so suspicious later on. On the off chance that someone did find him, he planned on mentioning how tired he was and then announce his leave. Of course, he didn't expect himself to pass out on a table or to be found by a wandering hoobae either. 

A loud cheer from across the room caught both of their attention. It seemed that there was a dance circle going on and a few people were showing off their skills in the middle of the group as everyone around them cheered. Jiyong knew that Youngbae was there in that crowd of people. Maybe he was even one of the dancers in the middle.  _Is he having fun?_  he wondered. Youngbae didn't have any reason  _not_  to be enjoying himself. Only Jiyong should be wallowing in misery out of his own frustration, frustration at being unable to just say what needed to be said. 

Realizing that he hadn't said anything in awhile, Jiyong tore his eyes away from the dance floor and focused on Jinwoo.

"How does it feel knowing that you're finally going to debut?" he asked, truly curious as to what the young man would say.

"I'm so happy to finally debut with everyone." There was a flicker of another smile on Jinwoo's face, but it was quickly replaced with an expression of worry. "But, I'm also worried. Everyone is looking at us like we have big shoes to fill. What if we debut and we don't live up to anyone's expectation? What if we just end up...being a disappointment..."

Jiyong sucked in a breath as he suddenly remembered how important this was, how WIN was marketed as YG's first attempt at debuting a boy group eight years after BIGBANG. So much pressure, so many expectations; he finally understood that Jinwoo didn't wander off in search of him and Youngbae just to congratulate them. 

Jiyong looked Jinwoo in the eye.

" _You_  make the experience what it is. Don't let anyone else's expectations get in your way. Remember what made you endure all those years of training; remember why you auditioned in the first place, remember your  _dream_. BIGBANG is BIGBANG and WINNER is WINNER. This is only the first step of many. All you have to do is keep on walking towards that dream."

Jinwoo stared at the table for a long while, letting Jiyong's words sink in. Before either of them could say anything more, a loud voice called for their attention. 

"Jinwoo-ya!" Seungri exclaimed from across the room and Jiyong groaned. He had hoped that he wouldn't have been bothered, but now people seem to be flocking towards him anyways. 

"Thank you, Jiyong hyung," Jinwoo whispered quietly before abruptly standing up and rushing over to meet Seungri. "Hyung!" Jinwoo cried after a quick greeting bow and a half hug to his long time mentor. There was a quick exchange of words that Jiyong didn't hear as he tried to hide himself further in the shadows. It was a miracle that Seungri didn't see him at first glance. In a matter of seconds, Jinwoo had redirected Seungri's attention elsewhere and they were both gone.

He had to remember to take Jinwoo out somewhere to eat one of these days. 

With the table to himself, Jiyong started to think, to remember. He absentmindedly played with the rings on his fingers as he remembered how hard it was back then; going to school and then training at the company; doing homework, cleaning up practice rooms, and being forgotten by managers... working so hard for a dream that seemed so distant and unreachable...

His eyes followed the flashing lights to the sea of bodies tightly packed together on the dance floor, but then the crowd began to disperse.

All he had back then was his strong desire to be an artist, his dream to debut, and… right at that moment, in the break in the crowd, he saw him. 

 _Youngbae_.

He always had Youngbae.

They held each other's gazes for a brief moment before Jiyong tore his eyes away and stood up. He wormed his way through the crowd, past the dance floor, past the bar, and out of the building faster than anyone could stop him. 

He breathed in the cool night's air, desperately trying to calm his racing heart.

* * *

The best way for Youngbae to forget was to dance. It was easy to lose himself in the movements, to surrender his body to the beat and not think, just  _move_. It didn't matter whether the song was a fast paced dance song or a slow R &B ballad, that night, he was determined to lose himself on the dance floor, get away from the pressing reality of life and put some distance between him and Jiyong. Dancing helped clear his mind and freed him from his own suppressive thoughts. 

 _Coward_ , his mind hissed when he caught a glimpse of the bar area and immediately looked away again in fear that he would see Jiyong there.

The night had just begun, he was surrounded by people that were like his family, his friends. How hard would it be to just enjoy himself? The music picked up and Youngbae continued to dance even more intensely. There were cheers and chants spurring him on and he found himself being pulled to the middle of the dance floor. He was surrounded by the Hi-Tech and CRAZY dancers who matched him move for move, feeding off of his energy and him, theirs. Their dance built up into an explosive finale as the song hit its climax, leaving them breathless as the music smoothly transitioning to a different song under the skillful manipulation of the DJ. The next song was slower, more mild than the first one and the dance floor thinned out as people went to the bar to grab a few drinks or socialize.

Realizing the floor was emptying as people went off to recharge, Youngbae edged away from the center of the dance floor and made his way to the quieter side of the room that was home to a few empty tables. Huddled in small groups around the perimeter of the dance floor were the socializers, those who nursed a drink in their hand and talked amongst themselves. A few were dragged onto the dance floor against their will by their friends. When Youngbae finally sat down at a secluded table partially hidden by darkness, he allowed himself to relax. Sweat dripped from his forehead and his heart was still pounding, the exhilaration of the song from before slowly fading away to the mellow sound of the current music.

Just as he sat there on his own and felt the music work its magic on him, slowly calming the pounding heart in his chest, Youngbae was reminded again of why he loved doing what he does.

He wanted to live, breathe, and share the wonders of music with everyone, show them how music can awe, inspire, excite, calm, depress, uplift, and so much more.

And he wanted to keep doing it forever. Even when he grows old and his body could not move as it once did or his voice grew weak and feeble, he could still share his love of music through knowledge. He imagined sharing his love for music by teaching the younger generations and encouraging them to work hard and pursue their dreams, to be strong in this cut throat entertainment industry, but most of all, to find peace within themselves and truly enjoy what they do, something that took him quite some time to realize as well. Being an artist can be a job, yes, but ultimately, Youngbae believed it has to be a passion. He's blessed to be one of the lucky few who is able to do what he loves for a living.

He had always thought that he would pursue music until the end, with the members, with Jiyong by his side.

The thought dimmed his smile a bit then as he started to remember all of the things he was trying to forget. The events of  _that_  night, the words that Jiyong said, and how things haven't been the same ever since. 

_"Why marry someone **like**  me when you can just marry  **me**?"_

It was really with that single sentence that things began to change between them, when Youngbae started feeling uncomfortable with little things that didn't use to matter. Like tonight, at the awards. He couldn't help but notice every little action. A hand on his knee, a touch of their foreheads, and just the look in Jiyong's eyes whenever he catches his gaze. It's the very same look that Youngbae has grown used to seeing ever since they were teenagers. Now, they were both older and Jiyong's look is the same, but its meaning was different.

Or maybe it didn't change at all. Maybe it has always been this way and perhaps the way Youngbae viewed it has changed. 

Youngbae furrowed his brow.

 _Have_ I  _changed?_

As soon as he had the thought, he had the distinct feeling that someone was looking at him. He knew who it was, but Youngbae looked anyways. 

From across the dance floor, he locked gazes with Jiyong for the briefest of moments through a part in the sea of moving bodies. It wasn't long before that opening was lost again as the mass of people repositioned themselves with the start of a new song, but it was enough for Youngbae to get the message.

They needed to talk. 

One of the Kwon twins, Youngdeuk, motioned for him to come join a group of people at the bar. He usually didn't drink much, but honestly, he could do with a drink or two. He followed Yongdeuk willingly, but Jiyong's gaze still lingered in his mind.

He wanted to live out his dreams with Jiyong at his side, like they swore to do as little trainees. Together.

That was why he's so afraid that whatever this feeling is that is growing between them will change things forever, change their lives and relationship forever, and maybe even destroy the chance of that little dream from becoming a reality.

After all, dreams were delicate and fragile things; hold one too firmly in your grasp and it might end up getting crushed.

* * *

Jiyong decided that he'd rather call a cab for a ride back to his place instead of dragging one of the managers away from the festivities. He would have considered driving himself back, but he knew it was a bad idea. He still felt sluggish from the drinks he had earlier and his vision was a bit blurry. Even though he felt fine in general and was still able to hold a conversation without difficulties, he'd rather be safe than sorry.

He passed the night security guard that watched the entrance at night and felt a sense of relief after exiting the elevator and making his way towards his apartment. The minute he stepped through the front door, he could hear the shower beckoning to him and his feet automatically lead him to the bathroom. His clothes were off in record time and the hot water felt wonderful on his tense form. With the sweat, make up, and hair products washed off of him, he felt lighter, fresher, and maybe even a bit more sober. He changed into a fresh T-shirt and some sweats, knowing that he was likely spending the entirety of the next day lounging around his apartment. They didn't have any schedules for a few days, so no need for him to feel the need to do anything for awhile, in fact. 

Though he felt fresher, the room still spun a bit when he moved his head too fast and he knew he was going to wake up with a hangover the next day. He also felt overwhelmingly tired. Tired physically, tired emotionally, he was just  _exhausted_  in every way possible. 

But fate had other plans for him that night. A knock at the door interrupted his inner peace and quiet. With a growl, he approached the door without even thinking about checking through the intercom first to see who it was. He just wanted to sleep and be done with the day and he had half the mind to bitch out the person who was bothering him at such a time. 

The complaints died on his lips once he saw who it was, however.

"Hi," Jiyong replied automatically, saying the first thing that came to mind

Youngbae fidgets at his doorstep a bit and Jiyong wondered if he somehow knew that it drove him crazy when the shorter man bit his lips like that. 

"I-I don't know...why I'm here," Youngbae said slowly in a somewhat stilted manner, which betrayed how many drinks he had had throughout the night.  

 _You and me both,_ Jiyong thought to himself. 

Youngbae, bless him, was a bit of an adorable drunk and was too busy playing with the hem of his jacket to pay Jiyong any mind. For awhile, Jiyong was just content with just looking at Youngbae, admiring his blonde hair, the strong lines of his jaws, and the fullness of his lips.

"I was worried about you. Jinwoo told me that you were tired and left early," Youngbae explained, his voice a bit steadier. Maybe he wasn't as drunk as he initially came off to be, even though he completely contradicted what he said earlier about not knowing why he was there. 

"Yeah," came Jiyong's one worded response and he wondered if he's being too obvious, if Youngbae even noticed how little he was actually paying attention to the conversation or how much Jiyong just openly stared at him. 

"Can I come in?" Youngbae asks tentatively, like he hasn't ever barged in and made himself at home without asking before.

Wordlessly, Jiyong stepped aside and held the door open for Youngbae to walk through. He noticed that the blonde was wringing his hands nervously and Jiyong suddenly felt nervous too, his heart racing again in his chest.

That annoying lip biting habit of Youngbae's was making Jiyong want to bite Youngbae's lips as well and as quickly as the thought came to mind, he worked just as quickly to dispel the thought.

"Don't be mad," Youngbae began before launching into some sort of long winded explanation about why he's been acting so weird, but Jiyong wasn't exactly listening at that point. His pulse was pounding in his ears and his mind chose that moment of all moments to want to say what he had been wanting to say for quite some time now. He remembered belatedly that alcohol could make you do crazy things and that he managed to consume enough of it to pass out at one point. 

Maybe it would have been simpler to tell him the truth. A simple admission that he liked Youngbae far too much to just be his friend, but apparently his body thought otherwise.  _Actions speak louder than words,_ he thought absentmindedly. 

When he surged forward to capture Youngbae's lips, he didn't mean to cut him off mid-sentence, and he certainly didn't plan on slipping his tongue into the other's mouth, but it happened. 

Jiyong knew he was a little tipsy,  but perhaps he was a little bit more than that. He didn't want Youngbae to think he was too drunk though (because he wasn't), so when Youngbae pulled his head away, Jiyong pulled away as well, even though his entire being physically  _ached_  for more. He literally licked his lips, relishing the taste of Youngbae on his mouth while fiendishly looking like he was hungry for more.

He didn't know how to explain himself now that it was clear and out in the open and as he looked into Youngbae's frozen and shocked face, the realization came hurtling at him like a bullet at a frightening speed.

Once it hit him, the fear took over his mind.

Oh shit. Oh  _shit_. 

What did he just do? 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the mistake earlier you guys, but as promised, here's the chapter! A bit of back and forth from Jiyong and Youngbae's point of view this time around. Next chapter will have a little mention of Dolce Vita and GDYB interaction as witnessed by Jiyong's dad in an interview. Comments and reviews are just lovely. 
> 
> Also, adorable drunk YB is my weakness.


	5. Remember

 

Remember

* * *

 

 

 

Soonho didn't know why Jiyong decided to bail out on the party so early in the night. He up and left without a word to anyone, not even the managers. Thank God Jinu-hyung was by the door. He managed to catch sight of the rapper getting into a taxi before he disappeared completely. Now, being the maknae manager, Soonho was given the duty to track down his same age friend and make sure that he doesn't get himself into any trouble. Unfortunately, Soonho found himself caught by a traffic light stop and Jiyong's cab managed to make the light just before it turned red. The taxi was no longer in sight when Soonho resumed his pursuit, however he managed to tail the taxicab long enough to recognize that they seemed to be heading towards Jiyong's apartment. Idly, he wonders if he still recalled the rapper's four digit security code in the event that Jiyong was already passed out in his apartment by the time he got there. 0818? 1988? No, it couldn't be that easy...could it?

His phone went off, startling the small man out of his thoughts. With a press of a button on the steering wheel, he answered the call with a voice that only _slightly_ trembled as he spoke.

"H-hello?"

"Soonho-ya, when you find Jiyong, check to see if Youngbae is with him," the stern voice of one of the older managers said. "Someone said he left not too long after Jiyong did. Jinu-hyung said he only noticed Jiyong at the time, but maybe they ended up leaving together."

"I think they're heading to Jiyong's place," Soonho informed. "I'll call you back once I get there, hyung."

He ended the phone call with another tap of the steering wheel and the young manager released a sigh. _The award ceremony went well, the party was a blast, and yet they still manage to get themselves into some sort of trouble_ , he thought. It seemed odd to him that both of his charges were the same age as him, yet it still felt like he was the eldest brother trying to keep his younger siblings in line.

"A manager's job is never over," he said quietly to himself as the Seoul nightlife passed by in the blink of an eye, nothing but a blur of bright lights and neon signs through his windshield.

* * *

It felt like all of the air had been sucked out of the room. Jiyong stood in front of Youngbae still in shock over what he had just done. It might have been the liquid courage that was still running through his veins, but even though the shock of kissing Youngbae was still fresh in his system, Jiyong _still_ felt the need to do it again. And again. And again. Over and over so that he didn't have to explain the feeling in his chest that was just too hard to voice. Surely, Youngbae would understand everything then. Hell, maybe even he himself would begin to understand what was going on between them.

 _Shit. What **did** I just do? _ He thought, but even as the thought was going through his mind, his body was already leaning towards Youngbae again.

Youngbae's presence was like a magnet, pulling him closer and closer until Jiyong's lips were just barely grazing Youngbae's lips for the second time that night when Youngbae suddenly fell forward into him. Jiyong staggered backwards, but he managed to catch his footing before they both tumbled to the ground. The massive movement had his vision swimming and he clamped his eyes shut hoping to bring some semblance of the world back to him when he opened them again.

He blinked his eyes open and looked down at the white blonde head leaning on him.  
Youngbae's dark eyes were already gazing back at him and Jiyong wondered how aware the shorter man was in that moment. As much as he was hoping that the other was too far gone to remember this in the morning, a small part of Jiyong was hoping that he wouldn't forget. Maybe, just maybe…

His heart nearly leapt out of his chest when his intercom sounded and the video screen turned on, showing a familiar face.

"Jiyong, I'm coming in," Soonho announced and with a click, the door swung open to reveal their youngest manager and fellow 88-liner, Choi Soonho.

The short man, shorter even than Youngbae, didn't seem phased at all to see the two in their drunken embrace. Soonho didn't seem to miss a single beat as he walked over to Jiyong's side and put one of Youngbae's arms over his shoulder.

"Good to see that you're not wandering the streets of Seoul and that you made it here in one piece. I'm bringing this one home, " Soonho announced as he pulled Youngbae to his side. "You'll be okay, right?"

Jiyong nodded quickly, too quickly it seemed and he tried unsuccessfully to wince the pain away. He wanted to offer his help to get Youngbae back into the car, but Soonho shot him one of those, _you best be doing what I say or else_ , looks.

"I'll...I'll be getting to bed," he murmured to Soonho's approving nod. He watched the two walk down the hallway, turn  the corner, and then disappear out of sight.

Jiyong shut the door with a soft thud and allowed his feet to carrying him to the bedroom where he promptly collapsed onto the neatly folded sheets. He buried his nose into the pillow that smelled like fresh linen and inhaled deeply. With Youngbae gone, it felt as if he could breathe again. Jiyong fell into a dreamless sleep thinking about tomorrow and what it may bring.

Soonho elected to say nothing when he walked through the door of Jiyong's apartment and found the two friends in an awkward, yet intimate, embrace. He said nothing about the reek of alcohol that surrounded the two men and the strange atmosphere that he entered into. Instead, he casually took Youngbae away and told Jiyong to be a good boy and go to sleep, pretending that he didn't just walk in on an obviously personal moment.

Even as he helped Youngbae out of the building and into the car, Soonho did not say a word. Being a manager puts him in a position where the lines between work and his charge's personal life were blurred. He's intrinsically a part of both worlds and every day is a balancing act where every decision can send him falling over the edge. As a manager, he needs to make sure that the members of BIGBANG were where they needed to be and that they knew what needed to be done and what they would have to do next. He made sure that they get from place to place safely and in a timely manner. He also acted as a chauffer, health manager, nagging mom, friend, and intimate confidante when the need arose and sometimes it was just so hard to know what role he had to have at any given moment.

Youngbae waved away his help when he tried to buckle him in and the singer took a few awkward moments to do it himself. Soonho got behind the wheel and started driving. Was he suppose to be the professional and scold the boys for running off without telling anyone and making a lot of people worried? Or should he be the friend and asked what happened between the two members that resulted in what he saw in the apartment earlier?

He looked into the rearview mirror and saw that Youngbae was off in his own thoughts. Youngbae was silent as well, saying nothing as looked into the nothingness of the night with his head pressed against the cool glass of the back seat window.

If Youngbae was keeping quiet, Soonho figured he should keep his silence as well, even if he was itching with curiosity and worry at the same time, not knowing what needed to be said or done.

The life of a manager wasn't easy.

* * *

Morning came and went unnoticed and when Jiyong woke next, night had prevailed once more. He had slept for nearly twelve hours. He hadn't even opened his eyes yet and he could already feel the effects of a hangover. Dry mouth, a pounding headache, and the urge to just burrow into his sheets despite having already slept half the day away were his most dominant symptoms. Jiyong saw that he forgot to plug his phone in before passing out on his bed and consequently, the battery died on him. With a grumble and a low moan, he worked his way over to the dresser where his charger was, found an empty wall socket, and plugged the device in. Giving his head a scratch while he watched his phone go through the motions of turning on, he scowled when he felt, rather than saw, the bed head he was sporting.

So many hours of sleep coupled with his constant tossing and turning had made the tips of his hair crispy and dry in contrast to his oily and greasy scalp.  The tossing and turning in the bed only served to mess up his hair more so that bits of it was sticking up here and there. He was also still dressed in the clothes from the night before, which had become wrinkled from all his restless moving and his clothes still smelled faintly of booze.

With new resolve, Jiyong got up once more to take a much needed shower. After forty minutes in the shower, he came out feeling refreshed, clean, and his headache had faded from a pounding to a dull throb. Dressed only in a towel, Jiyong made his way to the kitchen to find a glass of water to quench his thirst. While there, he noticed that someone must have stopped by to check on him for there was already a glass of water set out for him next to two bright pills and a note.

_For the headache, you drunkard - Soonho C._

He couldn't suppress the grin after reading the note and he downed the vitamins with a large gulp of water. He went back to check on his phone and saw that there were a ton of missed messages and notifications that he missed while he was passed out. Two calls from another manager hyung, an inquiring message from Seungri, Daesung, and Seunghyun in the group chat, and a slew of Instagram notifications from basically everyone that was at the party last night. He scrolled through his Instagram feed, laughing at a few drunken pictures posted by Teddy and Kush, reading some comments about fans complaining about the terrible camera work at the Gayo Daejuns that year, and viewed a few tagged pictures of him at the party before he ran off by himself, until he finally scrolled past a picture that made him pause. He scrolled down to bring the picture into view again and took a few moments to just stare at it. SBS had posted some of the official pictures they took during the Gayo Daejun performances. Amongst the pictures was one of him and Youngbae, the embrace that wasn't caught on video. He scrolled a little further back and came upon the picture of him and Youngbae that the singer had tagged him in, the one where they were in their Tom Ford suits prepared to walk the red carpet. His own post of that same picture was right before Youngbae's post. He swallowed hard and his mind went back to what happened last night and then suddenly, his phone vibrated from receiving a text message.

The message was from Youngbae. Jiyong felt his mouth going dry again as he wondered what his next course of action should be. Should he text him back? Ignore it? Did Youngbae even remember what happened? Deciding that it would do him more harm than good to ignore the text, Jiyong tapped on the message to read it.

_Are you awake?_

He hesitated again for only a moment before typing a simple reply.

**Yes. How about you? How are you feeling?**

_Like I got hit by a bus._

Despite himself, Jiyong grinned.

_I don't think I've drank that much in a long time._

**Me neither. Guess that means we're getting old huh?**

_ㅋㅋㅋ I guess._

**What do you remember from last night?**

_I remember being scarred by witnessing a dance off between Seunghyun hyung and Tablo hyung._

**ㅋㅋㅋㅋ**

Jiyong was about to send another joking response when Youngbae sent him another text that was split up into two parts.  
The first one read:

_I remember…_

The next one had three words in it that made his heart stop.

_Last night, I remember you kissing me._

_So, you do remember_ , Jiyong thought somberly. Last night, he had daringly hoped that maybe the shorter man would remember. Now, he wanted nothing more than for him to forget. Things were much different when your mind isn't under the influence of alcohol.  A good ten minutes had passed since Youngbae had sent him that text.

Jiyong's thoughts were going a mile a minute as he started typing out a response only to erase the entire thing when he just couldn't find the right words to say. There was a thought that had been playing on the edge of his mind, but he didn't think that now was the time to voice it and so he pushed it away. After another ten minutes of no improvement, Jiyong had had enough.

He haphazardly threw on some clothes, grabbed his keys, and stormed out of the apartment.

 _Why isn't he answering?_ Youngbae wondered as he messaged his temple with three fingers. Nearly forty minutes had passed since his last message to Jiyong. The longer he waited for Jiyong to send a reply, the more emotionally distressed he felt.

 _I shouldn't have brought it up. I should have just continued with the casual conversation._  For the first time in a long time, he actually felt comfortable having a meaningless conversation with Jiyong again. They just talked about the party and even made a few jokes about being old, which he definitely could feel at times when he did those mid-air flips and somersaults on stage. If he was such an adult though, why was he skirting from his problems like a little kid?

Youngbae wanted answers. He wanted answers from Jiyong. He wanted to know what those whispered words in his ear at the end of the performance meant. He wanted to know why Jiyong was avoiding him during the after party and why he went off to get drunk on his own and then tried to hole himself away inside his apartment afterwards. Youngbae wanted to know why he followed Jiyong to his apartment, why Jiyong  _kissed_  him, and most importantly, why did he just stand there and  _let_  Jiyong kiss him? He let Jiyong kiss him once and he wasn't going to do a thing about it when Jiyong leaned over to kiss him  _again_.

A flurry of knocks on his door alerted Youngbae to a person at his door. Without looking at the intercom, he opened the door only to have his eyes widen in surprise at who he saw standing there. 

"Ji-."

"Dolce Vita," Jiyong said breathlessly, interrupting Youngbae before he could even get his name out.

"Jiyong..? What are you-?" Youngbae tried to say something again when Jiyong grabbed him by the arms and force him to look into his eyes. Jiyong's eyes were a little bloodshot, wide and full with desperation.

"Dolce Vita," Jiyong said again quickly, almost as if he was speaking under a time limit. "A few changes of clothes...at least one room open...We could...My mom..."

"Jiyong, stop. Slow down, please. You aren't making any sense right now," Youngbae said gently, using one hand to tug on the front of Jiyong's shirt lightly, since his range of motion was limited due to Jiyong's tight hold on his upper arms.

Realizing that he was holding him too tightly, Jiyong quickly released Youngbae as if he was burnt. The taller man let his arms fall awkwardly down to his sides before looking at Youngbae and speaking again, slower this time.

"Dolce Vita. Let's go there. To talk," he whispered. Almost as if were an afterthought, Jiyong added, "Please."

Youngbae just stood and stared at Jiyong for a moment as he tried to calm his own racing heart enough to even understand what the taller man was asking of him. To go to Dolce Vita? Right now? To talk? He had planned on spending a few days with his mother and Hyunbae while his father was out of town visiting a relative, but…

He saw the pleading look in Jiyong's eyes.

His answer came out a whisper.

"Alright."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's an update! I said last chapter that there'd be mentions of Dolce Vita and GDYB interactions as witnessed by Jiyong's dad, but this chapter just had a mind of its own, so those things will be addressed in the next chapter (hopefully).


	6. Dolce Vita

Jiyong didn't know what he was thinking when he suggested they go to Dolce Vita, of all places, to have their talk. It was the off season, with January being the coldest month in Seoul after all, yet the pension was still extremely busy, fully booked in fact. Visitors often hailed taxis or drove to nearby restaurants that were famous for their bulgogi and barbeque meat. Dolce Vita was meant to be a summer attraction so even he was surprised when he called to inform his mother to prepare an extra room for Youngbae only for her to tell him that all the other rooms were booked. 

"There's still the Crayon room, of course. You guys can just share it, like old times," was her remark before hanging up the phone. 

The Crayon room was always reserved for Jiyong. His mother personally cleaned it weekly and it's purpose was to serve as a safe haven of sorts for Jiyong or any YG family member that needed to get away for a few days. He found it ironic now that the one thing the room was built for was the last thing Jiyong wanted to do at that moment. It was too late to make different plans with his mother and father already preparing for his arrival now that he had informed them of his visit.

The first thing he did after coming home from Youngbae's place was call Soonho. Although all of the managers look out for every member of BIGBANG, they each had their own personal manager as well. Remembering the scolding tone Soonho used with him the night before, he decided to give the manager a heads up about his little impromptu trip. He figured that Youngbae was also doing the same thing right about now.

"I'll be going to visit my parents at Dolce Vita tomorrow," Jiyong said. "Youngbae's coming with me."

There was a brief silence before Soonho replied.

"Ok. Do you want me to take you guys there or...?"

"No, I'll drive there myself." But then Jiyong thought about the pension being full and the tiny parking lot they had there. "...On second thought, maybe you better drop us off."

They worked out a plan and settled on Soonho picking Jiyong about around ten, swinging by Youngbae's right after, and then arriving at Dolce Vita around noon. Soonho also asked him about his hangover and they laughed about that for a bit after Jiyong thanked him for his cute note and the vitamins.

Finally, after another brief pause, Soonho brought up Youngbae.

"About you and Youngbae...Is everything okay?"

Jiyong's automatic response was to say _yes_ , but then he remembered that Soonho was the one who found them after the party and that he also brought Youngbae back home. He thought about what the manager had seen when he first walked through the door and then how he proceeded to not make a single comment about it.

Jiyong decided to speak the truth.

"Honestly, I don't know."

Soonho could hear the worry and uncertainty in Jiyong's voice. He decided to reassure the rapper.

"You guys have been friends a long time. I'm sure you guys can work it out."

"Whether or not it works out, one thing is for sure; we'll never be the same anymore. Things will change."

Another pause on Soonho's end before he replied, "Nothing can change your friendship; you guys have often said so yourselves. I'm sure that at least _that_ will stay the same, no matter what."

There was a long stretch of silence that made Soonho wonder if the call had dropped, until he heard Jiyong's quiet reply.

"I think that may be the problem. I think I _want_ it to change."

* * *

The biting winter air was what greeted them upon their arrival at Dolce Vita. Youngbae thanked Soonho for helping him get his suitcase out of the car and he could see that the manager was eager to be out of the cold. 

"Remember to call when you want to be picked up or if you need anything," Soonho said before his departure, seemingly directing the sentence to both of them, but the manager's eyes were focused on Jiyong's back.

Jiyong lifted a lazy hand in acknowledgement and continued walking down the walkway to the entrance, his suitcase trailing along behind him. Youngbae followed after him, taking in the sight of the pension situated at the foot of the mountain. The snow looked beautiful on the conifers that surrounded the area. Though there was hardly any snow on the ground, it still made for a beautiful picture, especially with the man-made lake in the background that had yet to freeze over. 

The sound of excited barking turned Youngbae's attention to the front door of the building. Jiyong was already at the entrance, holding a familiar dog that was wagging his tail furiously and licking the man non-stop. The rapper was smiling, a full blown, ear-to-ear smile at his four legged friend before the dog anxiously clawed at his shirt, asking to be put down. 

No sooner was the shar pei released from Jiyong's grasp, the dog bounded down the pathway to where Youngbae was crouched and waiting. He had his arms outstretched and scooped the dog up once he got close.

"Hi, Gaho!" Youngbae said as he petted the dog and allowed it to lick his face. It had been quite awhile since he had seen Gaho, he realized. He placed the dog back on the ground and started walking through the door again. There was a brief stint of sadness and heartache as he was suddenly reminded of Boss. Boss and Gaho had grew up together, not unlike he and Jiyong had. He still had pictures of the dogs playing together and snuggling with each other on a computer back home. From time to time, he'd pull up the folder with his new puppy, Homie, in his lap and showed the little bulldog pictures of the hyung that he never got to meet. 

"Let's get inside before the rascal starts wanting to dig holes in the yard," Jiyong said as he held the door open for him.

"Gaho-ya! I told you not to give appa and eomma a hard time!" The rapper scolded, causing Gaho to whimper a little. All was well again in a few moments though, when he gave Gaho a reassuring pat on his head and a few scratches behind the ear. 

After all of the excitement, the dog seemed to mellow down back to his usual self and laid sprawled out on the floor, gnawing on a toy bone.

The Crayon room was in its own separate part of the building, though it was in the middle of the complex. Remembering that the place was all booked, Youngbae rushed inside to avoid being seen. He knew that eventually, word would get around that he and Jiyong were at the pension and as much as he loved seeing the fans, he also wanted to relish what little privacy they could get.

He watched as Jiyong started putting his luggage away while Youngbae started doing the same. There was still a hint of awkwardness in the air between them, but Gaho's presence helped to alleviate it somewhat. He couldn't help but wonder how things were going to play out or what was going to happen next.

He didn't have long to wonder though, for in the next moment, the door opened again and two familiar people appeared. Jiyong's parents walked in and they were both engulfed in hugs.

"Eomma," Jiyong murmured into his mother's hair as she patted his back and kissed his cheek. Mr. Kwon similarly did the same to Youngbae, though without the kisses. Then there was a switch as Jiyong went to embrace his father while his mother came to give Youngbae a tight embrace. 

"Oh, I'm so happy the both of you came," she said. There was suddenly a lot of chatter as they talked about the emptiness of their schedule for the next few weeks, what their upcoming plans were, how the other members are doing, and a slew of other things, including Youngbae's parents and Hyunbae's acting career. 

Jiyong's mother was adamant about making dinner for them that night and they had little choice but to accept. 

"So, what do you plan on doing now? It'll only be a few hours before sun down," Jiyong's father asked.

To Youngbae's surprise, Jiyong already had a response in mind. 

"We're gonna ride the duck boats." 

For the first time since they've arrived, Youngbae cracked a smile, a real smile, as he considered Jiyong's ridiculous answer.

* * *

"You want to ride _this_ thing again?"

Youngbae pointed to the duck shaped pedal boat that they had ridden before on their last visit here. Surprisingly, the boats were still left out since the weather wasn't cold enough to freeze the lake water, though no one in their right mind were using them now.

Jiyong looked at the comically enlarged cartoon duck and shrugged his shoulders before saying, "Why not? It'll be fun."

As they carefully entered the boat from the dock, Jiyong further elaborated, "It will also give us some privacy."

Truthfully, he didn't think ahead about the whole privacy thing. Upon arrival, he realized that, at least for the rest of that day and evening, his parents were going to be around. Besides leaving or waiting until later that night or the next day, this was the only alternative he could think of. Today, he will get what needed to be said off of his chest. To be honest, he felt like he was suffocating: the words were locked up in his chest, desperate to be voiced. The longer he waited, the more difficult it will be for him to say it and he knew that. It was hard, though. He wasn't quite sure if he would be able to properly voice the feeling that had been plaguing him since _that_ night.

The metal seats were ice cold and he heard Youngbae's surprised gasp as he sat in the seat next to him.

"I r-really hate you right now," Youngbae said jokingly through chattering teeth.

 _I hope you won't hate me afterwards_ , was Jiyong's silent plea.

They slowly pedaled out into the middle of the lake, the pedaling warming them up somewhat from cold. Jiyong was getting tired half way and made Youngbae peddle for himself for awhile, to the singer's amusement and annoyance.

Finally, they were out in the middle of the lake and they came to a stop.

Youngbae was the first to say something.

"You said you wanted to talk. So, talk."

Youngbae being so ready to converse caught him off guard a bit.

He absentmindedly scratched his head a bit before saying, "Where do you want me to start?"

"Those words you whispered to me on stage," Youngbae said immediately. "What did you mean?"

Jiyong gulped. "I can't start from there."

"Then start from the beginning," Youngbae suggested gently.

Jiyong chuckled. "Where do I even start?"

He didn't even know when it all began.

There was a moment of silence as Jiyong racked his brain for words to say. It seemed a lot easier before, when he was in front of his writing desk, planning it all out the previous night. He even built up some confidence on the car ride over with Soonho driving and even more confidence as he watched Youngbae interact with his parents, who treated him like another son. Of course, he didn't plan on the duck boat, the cold weather, or Youngbae's eagerness to hear what he had to say. When finally confronted with Youngbae and his feelings, he felt like cowering away again, all confidence and bravery lost.

Youngbae dipped his fingertips in the water, wincing a bit from the coldness, creating small ripples over the once smooth surface. Jiyong looked at their distorted reflections for a time and thought about how much they have aged in the thirteen, going-on-fourteen years of friendship. He wasn't a kid anymore. Surely he could talk through his problems like the fucking adult he is.

"Youngbae," he began. " I–."

The rest of his sentence was lost in his throat as a splash of cold water made contact with his face. 

* * *

Mr. Kwon had Gaho on his leash and was walking along the pathway that lead to the docks. Gaho scratched at the door after the boys had left and he realized that the pup probably needed a walk. He bundled himself up to protect his old bones from the cold, put the dog on a leash, and set out for a short walk around the property.

He was wondering how far the boys had went when his answer came in the form of three sharp barks by Gaho and a strong tug on the leash.

"Woah there, boy. I'm not so nimble anymore," Mr. Kwon proclaimed, though he seemed to have no trouble keeping up with the dog as Gaho began to speed up into a run. The shar pei directed him towards the water and then further still onto the docks, barking once or twice when Mr. Kwon tried to redirect the dog back to the paved walkway.

 _Persistent at times, just like his owner,_ the old man thought as the dog came to a stop at the end of the docks.

Immediately, he realized that one of the paddle boats had found its way into the middle of the lake. It didn't take long for him to deduce where the boys were now.

"Youngbae!" shrieked a voice that he instantly recognized as his son's.

There was the sound of a gigantic splash and Mr. Kwon noted that the duck boat began to sway from side to side.

This time, it was Youngbae's turn to shriek out Jiyong's name and this back forth continued on for awhile as they took turn splashing ice cold lake water at each other. Mr. Kwon shivered at the thought of even dipping a finger into the lake.

To be strong and _youthful_ , he mused to himself, remembering a time when he was bold enough to do much of the same thing in his younger years. Laughter sounded from the two figures in the water and his heart swelled with joy at the sound. He was hit with a strong wave of de ja vu, remembering the two's last visit.

_Just like before, almost like children._

Gaho, finally realizing that his owner was too preoccupied to pay him any attention, started pawing his way back to the path, pulling his leash to catch Mr. Kwon's attention.

"Come on, boy. Let's leave the two to their fun."


	7. Dinner

He knew that he was trying to avoid it. When Jiyong first suggested they go out in the duck boats to talk, the pressure was on Jiyong to explain himself, so he spoke first;

_"You wanted to talk, so talk."_

And then Jiyong asked him where he wanted to start. Immediately, Youngbae told him the thing that has been on his mind, the caress of his head and the cryptic whisper into his ear.

Jiyong froze. He said he couldn't start from there.

_"Then start from the beginning."_

To Youngbae, this all began on  _that_ night. All these moments where they skirted around each other, not knowing what to say or do. 

But Jiyong asked where should he even begin.

To Jiyong, that unspoken night was just a blurry, drunken memory. It didn't exist. 

But if Jiyong was not acting from the memories of _that_ night, then where was this all coming from? Did that mean that to Jiyong, this began from something else? 

All of a sudden, Youngbae didn't want to know. The implication that Jiyong had carried around these feelings for who knows how long…

_"Youngbae, I..."_

He panicked. He dipped his hands into the ice cold water and splashed. 

It was childish and foolish because avoiding his problems wasn't going to fix anything, but he felt so light afterwards. He actually laughed and Jiyong laughed and he remembered the last time they came, during the summer when the weather was nice and there wasn't this heaviness and awkwardness that loomed over them like a dark storm cloud. 

But this was the middle of winter and the water was freezing. 

In the midst of their laughter, they forgot all about the heaviness between them. Everything felt warm again between them, light, like it used to be. 

Jiyong didn't bring up his unfinished sentence and Youngbae didn't either. 

Instead, they looked at their shivering, freezing selves and smiled, reveling in the atmosphere that was oh so familiar to them. They pedaled back to the docks and Jiyong shuddered as he stepped out of the boat first. He held out a helping hand for Youngbae, who grasped it without hesitation and he forgot that he and Youngbae had been avoiding each other's touch like the plague since the Gayo Daejun performance. In the card ride here, they sat as far apart as they could though they both shared the back seat. He didn't realize how completely  _unnatural_  it was for them to not touch each other; no arms around each other's waist, no pats on the back, thighs, shoulder squeezes, or simply just standing next to each other and having their shoulders brush against each other. It felt nice, having Youngbae's hand in his for that brief moment. He didn't remind Youngbae of the unspoken no touch rule and Youngbae either didn't remember or didn't care. They scurried up the path back to Dolce Vita, holding hands for warmth, Jiyong reasoned, as they scurried back to the Crayon suite where Jiyong's parents were waiting. 

* * *

When a mother opens the door for her adult son and his best friend, she doesn't expect them to come in dripping wet and half frozen from lake water. She bit her tongue to keep from scolding them out right, but she was sure they were able to see the displeasure in her eyes. But the Jiyong and Youngbae that came back from the middle of the lake were different from the Jiyong and Youngbae that first walked down the path to Dolce Vita. 

She promptly shooed them to the bedroom and all but ordered them to change into dry clothes.

Her husband looked at them curiously as they disappeared into the bedroom to change. 

"They're smiling now," her husband noted. He had told her about the peals of laughter he heard when he brought Gaho out for a walk. They were discussing the two friend's coldness with each other upon their arrival, something that they both found to be worrisome and unlike the two young men. Mrs. Kwon was going to comment on her husband's observation, but the bedroom door opened and the boys re-emerged in dry clothes and matching embarrassed smiles.

"Are you sure you don't want to take another dip in the lake?" she asked in a mock stern voice. "I heard it might get below zero tonight." 

"Eomma~~!" A voice whined and Mrs. Kwon suddenly felt two arms wrap around her stomach as her beloved son hugged her from behind. "How many times do we have to apologize? We were just having fun. Besides, we're big boys now." 

She turned around to face her adult son and his best friend, who were giving her equally pouty faces.

"How can I  _not_  worry? You two coming in soaked like that when it's this cold out. Adults? More like rotten little kids," she said under her breath as she absentmindedly brushed Jiyong's hair out of his eyes. 

"Boys will be boys," Mr. Kwon chuckled as he reemerged from the back room with yet another bag of groceries. "Are we having a feast tonight? Even with Gaho, we can't possibly eat all of this ourselves." 

"Some of this is for tonight and the rest is for the future. While I'm here, I wanted to make some proper meals for the boys." Mrs. Kwon explained. 

"Eomma, Youngbae and I are grown adults. If we can't make anything edible in the kitchen, we'll just go to the restaurant down the street. You don't have to bother," Jiyong grinned, trying unsuccessfully to convince her that she needn't go through all the trouble of making a meal. 

"Who needs a restaurant when you have  _me_? A bother? More like a mother's duty! No, I'll just make some things and store them in the fridge for you two," Jiyong's mother replied adamantly. 

"Eommoni, I can help if you'd like. If anything, I need to be punished for making you worried since I was the one who started the splash water on the boat," Youngbae had said sweetly. She didn't anticipate the help, but she didn't want to miss the opportunity to observe Youngbae. She told him to follow her into the kitchen.

* * *

With the warm flickering glow of the electric fireplace lighting their way, two figures maneuvered around the little kitchenette with ease, their soon-to-be dinner spread out on every flat surface available to them. Youngbae, hair still wet from the quick shower he had just taken, was carefully chopping a handful of green onions into tiny pieces. Mrs. Kwon hovered nearby, observing his skillful, albeit slow, knife work. After appraising his chopping skills, she added a few more vegetables to his growing pile of things that needed to be cut, apparently deeming him worthy of being her assistant that night.

Mrs. Kwon was initially skeptical of Youngbae when he came up to her and offered to help prepare dinner. With two children and a husband who were abysmal at cooking, she was used to having absolute control in the kitchen and Youngbae's offer rattled her a bit; of course she was able to make a full course meal for four all on her own. She has been doing it for most of her adult life and she almost felt affronted by the fact that Youngbae thought she needed the help.

Her pride aside, Mrs. Kwon also knew that she was far from the youthful thirty-something mother of two she used to be. On some days, just standing around in the kitchen for too long makes her arthritis flare up and her back exclaim its protest in the later hours of the day. Still, she would always insist on cooking lest she wanted a repeat of the near disaster of her husband, Jiyong, and Dami almost setting her kitchen on fire during chuseok two years ago. Her wonderful family decided that they could cook a meal for chuseok, considering that she was feeling a bit under the weather that year. What started out as a thoughtful idea ended up with her waking up to a kitchen full of smoke and a panicked husband getting ready to call 119. She still loved her family for being such sweethearts, but ever since then, there was an unspoken rule that no one was to be in the kitchen without her supervision or consent.

Since Youngbae had yet to set her kitchen on fire, she decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and agreed to let him help out. It turns out that Youngbae knew his way around a kitchen pretty well. He was by no means a professional, but she could clearly tell that he has done a bit of cooking on his own and perhaps he even helped his mother out in the kitchen as well. He had the taste buds of a housewife and knew the basics for seasoning meats and veggies as well as how to prepare common soup bases and noodles. She was impressed, but that didn't mean she was going to give him free reign of the kitchen. He was but an amateur after all. Instead, she held all creative rights to deciding which dishes they were to make and did the bulk of the cooking while handing Youngbae the menial tasks.

Youngbae seemed content with their arrangements, however, and he did exactly what she asked of him, no more, no less. 

She was reluctant at first, but now she could see that Youngbae was an excellent helper. Though he needed a little instruction here and there, he was perfectly capable of being in the kitchen without causing an accident.

Jiyong had offered his help as well, but after sending a piece of garlic flying into the air, and nearly into her eye, she and Youngbae had quickly shooed him out. She laughed at the bemused expression on her son's face as Youngbae confiscated his knife and started working on the garlic that he had just taken from Jiyong. She took note of how Jiyong tried to take the knife back by grabbing Youngbae's knife holding hand with the biggest grin on his face as Youngbae half heartedly nudged him away. Neither of them made the effort to "fight" for the knife, yet Jiyong still held Youngbae's wrist and Youngbae made no attempt to free himself. 

Mrs. Kwon released a breath she didn't know she had been holding after witnessing their interaction. She knew her son and she knew Youngbae almost just as well as if he were her own son. Her memory was chock full of little Jiyong and Youngbae as two little boys working so hard to achieve their mutual dream. Jiyong was young when he started out as a little Roora. He was her charming, cute, and talented baby boy. But wanting to accomplish bigger goals and bigger dreams wasn't easy. Working towards becoming more than just an idol, but an inspiring artist and musician wasn't easy. Just being a teenager and growing up was far from easy and she knew that he would face struggles and obstacles that she wouldn't be able to help him with. It made her stomach turn with worry and her heart ache with sadness, but at the age of twelve, she knew she had to let him go, to let him give everything he had to pursue his passion.

She worried day and night for her son, but then he comes home with stories of another boy, a Youngbae/YB/Taekwon who liked hip hop just as much as he did, was another trainee just like he was, and even shared the same birth year and day of the month as him. So she went from watching one boy to two, because wherever one was, the other was not far behind. She watched them grow up a little faster than everyone else as they repeated the same routine of school, menial trainee work, and then maybe an hour of two of actual practice, followed by a late night commute or even just a night on the practice room floors, and then the cycle would begin again a few hours later. She knew it was hard, hard for both of them even if they didn't voice any complaints at the time. She remembered feeling so, so thankful that Jiyong had someone to confide in, someone to share the hardship, the joy, the pain, and sorrow with. 

And here they are, thirteen years later, still the same, yet also different. She could see it when they avoided each other, when they stood next to each other, and when they simply just gazed at each other without saying a word. Things between them were different and they didn't know what to do.

She had heard the strain in Jiyong's voice when he called to tell her that he was bringing Youngbae with him for a visit. She saw the faraway look in Youngbae's eyes when they got out of their manager's car and started walking down the pathway towards the building. She noted how Youngbae waited for Jiyong to be halfway to the door before following in his steps, how Jiyong didn't say much to Youngbae until she and her husband made their presence known. She had been watching from the window the whole time. Warning bells went off in her head as she noted how far apart they stood from each other, how they didn't look at each other when they spoke. Did they fight? Was something wrong? 

She didn't betray her worry right away, of course. Instead, she told them about her dinner plans and lightly inquired about what their plans for the afternoon would be. She curiously noted Youngbae's surprise as Jiyong suggested they go out and use the duck boats. Whatever happened out on the lake broke the fictional ice between them, even though they nearly became icicles themselves. A smiling Jiyong and Youngbae returned, laughing like they were still the twelve year old boys of her memory. And now, here they were in the kitchen, talking amongst themselves. 

Youngbae was still loosely grasping the knife and Jiyong had yet to release Youngbae's wrist. It seemed that taking possession of the knife was no longer of importance as they spoke to each other. 

Mrs. Kwon pretended to busy herself by the stove so that she was closer to the two as they spoke. They were still arguing about Jiyong's presence in the kitchen.

"I have the top three ingredients in the world in my fridge. I should be able to help out in the kitchen," Jiyong pointed out with a knowing smile on his face.

"Having the ingredients and knowing what to do with them are two very different things," Youngbae argued.

"This is  _my_  place,  _my_  kitchen." 

"Your mother appointed me as her helper, not you." 

After every rebuttal, Jiyong would lean closer and closer to Youngbae, the distance between the two of them disappearing with every other sentence.

"Oh yeah? Well I'm taller than you," Jiyong said childishly, looking down at Youngbae and bringing their faces closer together so that they were practically nose to nose. By that point, they weren't paying attention to anything anymore and Mrs. Kwon's eyes grew wide upon the realization that if they got any closer, they would be- 

Claaang. 

The knife Youngbae had been holding clattered onto the counter top as Jiyong tried unsuccessfully to maneuver the hand that was holding Youngbae's wrist to the handle of the knife. 

The loud noise drew a curious bark from Gaho in the kitchen, an inquisitive

"Is everything all right in there?" from Jiyong's father in the living room, and Mrs. Kwon sent a curious look their way. 

As if finally realizing how close they had gotten, Jiyong dropped his hands to his pockets while Youngbae grabbed the knife again, both trying to act nonchalant about what just happened. They moved their bodies so that Youngbae was flush to the sink and Jiyong was a few steps to his right, so they were no longer close. Again, she immediately picked up on the tenseness of their bodies, the brief look of panic and fear in their eyes once they realized what almost happened. 

 "I guess your hands are better off holding a pen instead of a knife, you klutz," Youngbae said teasingly, trying to lighten up the mood, though his eyes were on the cutting board in front of him as he used the knife to mince the garlic. From the side, Jiyong could see that Youngbae was smiling that eye smile of his that Jiyong had missed so much. If his parents weren't there, Jiyong would have made a passing remark about where his hands ought to be and all of them involved Youngbae in some shape or form. Of course, he didn't say anything, but the thought was still there. He settled with putting his hand on Youngbae's shoulder and giving him a little squeeze. 

"Thank you for being here with my family, with me," Jiyong whispered quietly.

Youngbae shrugged the hand off his shoulder and the smile disappeared from his face; re-establishing the distance, Mrs. Kwon thought, instantly reading Youngbae's actions.  _Don't touch me like this. We can't be like this, Jiyong._

"Maybe it's best if you leave the cooking to us?" Youngbae suggested softly and Jiyong acquiesced, holding both hands up in surrender. Jiyong was easier to read; he wore his heart on his sleeve when he was especially emotional and Jiyong was always emotional about Youngbae. She noticed a flicker of hurt? Guilt? in Jiyong's eyes as Youngbae still did not turn to him. 

 _Youngbae, I'm sorry. Youngbae, please look at me_ , begged Jiyong's eyes.

"I guess I'm being banished to the living room, like my father," Jiyong grinned, though the grin was not the full blown smile he had been wearing earlier.

_Please don't be like this, Youngbae._

Youngbae didn't say anything as Jiyong quietly left the kitchen. She looked at the slump of Youngbae's shoulders, the slight pause before he continued the repetitive motion of mincing the garlic. Even though he was silent, Youngbae's body telegraphed everything that needed to be said.

_I'm scared, Jiyong._

Mrs. Kwon didn't comment or make any action that indicated that she had heard them. She busied herself near the stove again to make it seem like she had been doing something productive the whole time she had been watching their interaction. There was too much tension, too much confusion, too much denial between the two for her to step in and help them see what she had always known since they were just two little boys who became each other's shadow.

 _Oh, you poor boys_  she thought to herself.  _You poor, poor boys._

* * *

It wasn't long before dinner was served and they all gathered around the adjacent dining table that was entirely full of food. Kimchee jiggae, hoddeok, rice, fried fish with vegetables, and various side dishes took up the entire top surface of the table.

They all found a seat, Jiyong across from his father and Youngbae across from Jiyong's mother, and after Youngbae's silent prayer, they began their meal. Dinner was full of laughter and joy. After talking about Youngbae's upcoming album, Bigbang's next album, and what they knew of their schedule for the new year, the conversation moved onto less work related matters. Mr. Kwon talked about the pension and how keeping his busy body wife from working was just too difficult to do.

Mrs. Kwon laughed and talked about how Dolce Vita gave her something to do when she was restless and how she still met up with her friends for tea (or gossip time, Jiyong reiterated, which earned him a playful smack in the head from his mother). Youngbae was quick to gush about Homie and how much he has grown already. The sight of Youngbae being so happy over his new puppy made Jiyong smile and he sat there quietly as Youngbae told Mrs. Kwon of an incident where the pup had trapped himself in the bathroom and had torn through two rolls of toilet paper before Youngbae found him.

While everyone laughed, Mr. Kwon took time to note his son taking secret glimpses at Youngbae. Jiyong looked at Youngbae a lot while Youngbae tried his best to do the opposite. He knew that his wife could also see the look of longing in Jiyong's eyes while Youngbae hid behind small smiles and talk about work, about his puppy, his album, everything that wasn't Jiyong.

When they were done with the meal, Jiyong and Mr. Kwon volunteered themselves to do the clean up since they did none of the cooking. 

Mr. Kwon wasn't a man of many words, so he and Jiyong worked in companionable silence. He knew that his son had a lot on his mind.

It was Jiyong who broke the silence first.

"Appa, what do you do when you need to tell someone you care about something that they might not want to hear?" 

Jiyong's eyes were focused on scrubbing the dirty plate in front of him. Mr. Kwon knew exactly what Jiyong was referring to and decided that, unlike his wife, he would help them out just a little. It agonized him too much to see both boys so lost and confused. Mr. Kwon has always been a straightforward man.

"Sometimes, the truth is so scary that people choose to avoid it. But you can only run away from it for so long."

Jiyong furrowed his brows contemplatively as he let his father's words sink into his mind. 

* * *

The time for them to say their goodbyes were upon them. His wife gave them each a hug and instructions on how to store and prepare the leftovers for the rest of their stay. He gave each of them a similar farewell, holding his son for just a bit longer so that he could privately exchange a few words with him.

"Goodbye, son," he whispered. "I hope you find what you're looking for." 

And now, it was just the two of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: It seems like the Dolce Vita portion of this will be longer than I had anticipated. So perhaps another chapter or two to really sort out what happens here before moving on in the 2014 timeline to the long awaited Paris portion of the fic! 


	8. What Needs to Be Said

As unbelievable as it was, Jiyong thought that the room felt impossibly smaller after his parents left. The room that comfortably housed a group of four was suddenly almost panic inducing with a group of two. Youngbae's physical presence somehow expanded so that it seemed to touch him, pulling on his senses even though he was on the other side of the room. It was almost maddening how Jiyong was hyper aware of Youngbae's presence now and how the silence between them only built up the tension in the air, making it all the more difficult to ignore him. Youngbae was padding about in the bedroom looking for a change of comfortable clothes to sleep in and his toiletry items that he hadn't unpacked yet. Meanwhile, Jiyong segregated himself into the kitchen, putting away the left over food per his Mom's directions and keeping his distance at the same time. Even then he could still feel the pull that Youngbae had on him and he started to feel dizzy just from trying to fight it.  It got so bad that after putting the food away, he had to carefully make his way to the couch to sit down and catch his breath. Where in the world did all of these feelings come from and how did he manage to ignore it when his parents were here?

 _No_ , he thought. _You didn't ignore it completely_. He thought of the hand holding on their way back from the docks and the arm grabbing and almost kiss in the kitchen with his mother. The feeling had been there all day, it didn't come from nowhere, he reasoned. He was just feeling it more strongly now because they were alone.

And what of Youngbae's feelings? It was getting so much harder to read him now a days and Jiyong was sure that it was intentional on Youngbae's part. That's why he was trying so hard to distance himself from Jiyong, because they both knew each other far too well to hide things from one another. He knew that Youngbae was feeling flighty and uncomfortable to the extent that when he tried to bring up the subject of this whole outing, he would rather escape the whole conversation entirely. It didn't bother Jiyong then (it did give him a great excuse to hold Youngbae's hand, after all), but the more he thought about it, the more frustrated he became. Why was this so hard for the both of them? Why was he so hesitant and why was Youngbae so scared of what he had to say? 

Whenever his thoughts wandered down a darker, angrier path, his father's parting words would come back to haunt him.

_"I hope you find what you're looking for."_

Just what exactly was he looking for? There was a call from within the bedroom that Youngbae was going to use the bathroom first and Jiyong responded with some sort of vague acknowledgement. He couldn't really spare the attention to form a decent response for his mind was too focused on trying to sort out his jumbled thoughts and feelings. When he really thought about it, a part of him wanted things to go back to the way it used to be: nights of coming over unannounced, talking to each other without awkward pauses and silences in between sentences, and being able to touch and hold each other without making each other uncomfortable or feeling like he was doing something wrong. Those were some of the things that he missed the most. He felt an almost indescribable warmth and fondness blooming in his chest as he thought about the past. As much as he wanted things to revert back to how it once was, Jiyong had come to realize that he also wanted more. He wanted to go to sleep and wake up every day with Youngbae at his side, to share a bed, a home, a life with him, to touch him and hold him in ways that made a fire burn in the pit of his stomach and oh God — he had to stop right there.

Jiyong opened his eyes (when did he close them?) and he had to take a few breaths to calm himself down. His hand was knuckle white as he gripped the arm of the couch to steady himself from the surge of emotions that went through him and it really hit him in that moment: he was in love with Youngbae, _his_ Youngbae, and he was finally able to admit that he wanted oh so desperately for Youngbae to love him back.

Wham. The weight of that thought left him almost breathless again.

"I'm in love with Youngbae," he whispered to himself, hoping that the more he said it, the easier it would be for Youngbae to accept it. This was the reality that had them both tip toeing around each other like they were afraid that a bomb might go off if they took a wrong step. This reality shattering self confession was so simple in hindsight, yet so complicated overall, Jiyong felt like he needed a drink or two just to wrap his head around it. At the same time, the mere thought of it felt so fitting and so...so right. 

How could he have been so blind?

"Jiyong."

Youngbae startled him out of his thoughts with his electric presence. A firm hand on his shoulder brought his attention to Youngbae's face peering down at him, blonde hair still wet from what must have been his second shower of the day after falling in the lake. 

"I'm all done if you need to use the bathroom," was all he said before releasing his hold of Jiyong's shoulder and making his way towards the kitchen for a glass of water.

As soon as Youngbae had his back turned, Jiyong made what he hoped to be an inconspicuous dash to the bathroom. After he locked the door behind him, Jiyong went to the sink and splashed some cold water onto his face, because God damn it, knowing that he was in love with Youngbae only made his hyper awareness of his presence so much more awkward. 

How could a single hand on his shoulder make him feel so hot? Jiyong could have sworn that Youngbae left a burning red hand mark on his shoulder with the way he was feeling. His mind wandered to his father's words again. He had already known about how he wanted more from Youngbae. He just never knew how much more until that very moment.

He gripped the edge of the sink hard with both hands as the images he had tried to bury earlier made a reappearance. Him and Youngbae in the kitchen, holding hands, and then doing much more than holding hands.

"Fuck," he swore quietly, as the thought came and went. The only sounds in the room following his outburst was the dripping of the faucet and the sound of a zipper coming undone.

* * *

Youngbae heard Jiyong wordlessly making a run towards the bathroom. The door clicks shut behind him and a grimace appears on Youngbae's face. J _iyong could barely stand being in the same room together,_ he thought. He was starting to think that coming to Dolce Vita together was a mistake, just like how _that_ night was a mistake and the night after the New Year's party was a mistake. Absentmindedly, he brought up a few fingers to caress his bottom lip as he thought about the kiss they almost shared in front of Jiyong's mother.

That was the only anomaly, the one he wasn't quite sure about. Jiyong had grabbed his arm and given him a smile as they fought weakly over who should mince the garlic. Something had happened then between them that neither of them could stop and before they knew it, they were face to face getting closer...and closer... Youngbae felt something then, something almost indescribable, like it would have been all okay if he just closed the distance between them and let whatever would happen next, happen.

Nothing happened, of course. They both came to their senses with the clattering of the knife on the counter and Youngbae had been too embarrassed to even look at Jiyong for the rest of the night. Still, he felt it, though. He felt his heart wavering at the thought that maybe, just maybe, he wanted Jiyong to kiss him. Even if the first two times were an accident, a mistake, in that moment he dared to even go so far as to hope that another mistake would happen.

That was where the root of the problem lies. Why was he hoping that something would happen? Did Jiyong's drunken confession from _that_ night really give him the hope that maybe Jiyong wanted to be more than his best friend? Since when was the thought of the two of them being more than just friends feel suddenly okay to Youngbae? 

So many questions, so many feelings, and far too little energy left within him to try and find those answers. He felt a wave of dizziness come over him and he had to grip the edge of the counter to keep himself steady. He was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted from everything. The performance and after party took so much more out of him than he had thought and the night of very little sleep that followed coupled with the mental and emotional stress of trying to deal with how he felt about Jiyong had taken its toll. To make matters worse, he could feel the beginning of a headache coming on and the memory of the freezing lake water still brought goose flesh to his skin.

Jiyong hadn't come out of the bathroom yet and Youngbae suspected that he had postponed their talk for long enough now. Jiyong would undoubtedly want to talk to him when he was done. Thinking that he would just lie down and wait for a bit on the bed, Youngbae was surprised at how heavy his body felt as he walked over to the bedroom. He just about collapsed onto the queen sized bed by the time he got in there. He had just heard the sound of the shower turning on before his eyes closed of their own accord and his body relaxed into the comfortable bed.

He wasn't asleep, not really. Though, admittedly, it was a little hard for him to open his eyes when he heard the click of the door handle, which signaled that Jiyong was finally out of the shower. 

There was a few seconds of silence and Youngbae contemplated just saving the conversation for tomorrow, he just felt that tired, but then, a creak of wooden floor boards that sounded very close to the bed. It was then that Youngbae felt the feeling of being watched. 

Another creak, even closer this time, and now Youngbae was sure that Jiyong was standing right next to the bed looking down at him. Yet, he kept his eyes closed, as if to keep up the pretense of sleep. He wasn't sure why he was doing it at that point, but he felt like something was going to happen, so he stayed perfectly still. 

Another moment of silence that stretched out for longer this time. 

Just when he thought that Jiyong had left, a pair of soft, warm lips pressed into his hairline and a hand brushed back his hair gently. It was such a short, simple gesture, but Youngbae could have sworn he could have felt the entirety of Jiyong's affection for him in that moment and it almost took his breath away.

The fatigue that he had been feeling was suddenly replaced with a rush of energy. Youngbae could feel Jiyong pulling away from him and before he could leave the room, he called out to him.

"Wait."

Startled, Jiyong turned back to see Youngbae rubbing his eyes and sitting up in bed. He blinked rapidly a few times looking tired and a little dazed, but mostly awake. Jiyong was shocked into silence, having believed that Youngbae was asleep when he actually wasn't. He couldn't help himself when he saw the shorter man knocked out on the bed like that. He just acted instinctively and now he had to do a double take as Youngbae smiled at him and patted the empty spot next to him on the bed.

Suddenly, Jiyong wasn't sure if this was reality or if he was dreaming. When Youngbae held out his hand to him, Jiyong took a few steps forwards, grasped his hand, and followed Youngbae's gentle tug so that they were sitting on opposite sides of the bed, facing each other.

Jiyong was ready to pull his hand away, but Youngbae grasped his hand even tighter.

"Youngbae?" Jiyong's face was red and full of confusion. Considering how coldly Youngbae had treated him all evening, he had every right to feel that way. But right here, right now, Jiyong knew that the conversation they weren't able to have in his parent's presence was happening now and he didn't want to delay this anymore than they already have, especially since they've finally reached a point where talking to each other was possible again. 

"I've missed this," Youngbae said quietly, giving his hand an extra squeeze. 

"Me too," Jiyong agreed, realizing for the first time that the skittishness he felt earlier was gone, though maybe it was because he took time to relieve himself of the excessive sexual tension in the bathroom and Youngbae looked far too tired to be in any sort of mood right then.

After a few more moments, Youngbae spoke again.

"Jiyong, earlier...what was that?"

"What was what?" 

Youngbae didn't deny his obvious evasion and instead sighed. He readjusted his sitting position and moved on.

"Before that, we almost...in front of your mother, we almost—,"Youngbae fumbled over the last word, not quite able to bring himself to say it out loud. 

"Kiss," Jiyong offered. "We almost kissed."

The room was dim, save for the bedside reading lamp on the night stand and even then, Jiyong was almost certain he could make out the tinge of embarrassment on Youngbae's cheeks.

"Yes. We almost kissed. We did kiss in your apartment that night and I...I just...I want to know when it all began."

Again, Youngbae asked the same question he had asked Jiyong while they were on the duckboats.

"Honestly, does it even matter?" Jiyong said, which made Youngbae frown ever so slightly. Feeling a strange tension building up, Jiyong opted to diffuse the situation with a joke.

"What's with this ambient lighting?" he commented. The dim room and fancy decor definitely gave off a feeling of a private room at a club, something that he didn't notice before when he was designing it way back when. "Feels like I need to order a drink or two to match the atmosphere," Jiyong laughed awkwardly, not knowing that it was the wrong thing to say.

"No," Youngbae said suddenly, unclasping their hands. There was a biting tone to his voice that wasn't there before when they were speaking earlier and Jiyong was a second too late to catch Youngbae when he suddenly got up off the bed and started stalking out of the room. Jiyong clumsily trailed after him and managed to grab Youngbae just after he walked out of the bedroom. They were in the living room now, everything dark with no lights on. Jiyong had thrown his arms around Youngbae and pulled him into an embrace from behind, the only way he thought he could stop Youngbae from suddenly walking out on him. Behind them, the faint light of the bedside lamp barely illuminated the doorway into the bedroom and out here, their shadows merged into one.

"Jiyong, I can't...why can't you just talk to me about us without being drunk?" Youngbae asked and Jiyong could feel Youngbae's body shaking as he said that. Never had he heard Youngbae get this openly upset, voice cracking and body shaking from the mere emotion of it all. Youngbae himself was surprised at his own response, because Jiyong was usually the cry baby that tears up at the most sentimental of things and here he was comforting Youngbae who was tearing up over what? Frustration? Sadness? Even Youngbae didn't know.

"Shh, shhh," Jiyong hushed, rubbing his hands soothingly up and down Youngbae's arms while holding him closer to his chest. Youngbae didn't turn around to return his embrace, but he didn't try to break away from it either, so the rapper reasoned he must be doing something right. 

After a while, the sniffles lessened and he could feel Youngbae leaning in to him a bit. Jiyong knew that Youngbae was feeling a lot, was hurting a lot, so he opted to remain silent and wait for Youngbae to speak and in a few minutes, he did.

"The reason why I keep asking you where it all began is because to me, this all started _that_ night...You read that stupid interview of mine on your phone," Youngbae whispered. "You looked at me suddenly and everything I wanted to say just died in my throat because you were looking so intently at me and then you said 'why would you marry someone like me when you could just marry me?'"

Now it was Jiyong's turn to still. His memory was a little hazy, but he did remember being there, thinking about Youngbae and how sexy he looked working so hard on stage, thinking about all the interviews where he kept reminding the whole world he meant so much to him.

"And then later, after the New Year's party...the kiss in your apartment...Was any of that real? Do you only have feelings for me when you're drunk?"

There it was, the thing that had been bothering Youngbae for so long. Jiyong was horrified that Youngbae would even think that, that things got misconstrued so badly from one drunken moment that lead to another and then... _this_.

He turned Youngbae around so that they were facing each other now. They could barely make out each other's faces in the darkness.

"Youngbae, I think I've been in love with you far longer than the few months from _that_ night until now. I've just been too blind, too scared to admit it even to myself, let alone you," Jiyong spoke in a slow and clear manner, his heart rate picking up as urged Youngbae to believe him. "Everything I've done before was done when I was drunk or tipsy," Jiyong admitted, "But in the kitchen with my mom, I wasn't drunk then, was I?"

"No," Youngbae whispered.

Jiyong pulled Youngbae even closer to him so that their bodies were completely flush with one another, so that Youngbae could feel the result of his awakening arousal that was an automatic response to their proximity. 

"And right now, I'm completely sober, aren't I?"

Youngbae didn't respond. 

"There is no reason for you to doubt what I'm saying now. I'm telling you, here and now, that I love you, Dong Youngbae," Jiyong said. "And this — _this_ is here because of you, not some drunken fantasy in my mind. You are making me feel this way, do you understand?"

He pulled Youngbae closer to him by the hip to emphasize the point. He needed Youngbae to understand that his love and desire for him, solely him, was making his body act like that. 

Youngbae closed his eyes to allow Jiyong's words to sink into his mind, the words that he both feared and wanted so desperately to hear at the same time. A few tears slipped out of the corner of his eyes, before he opened them again.

"Youngbae, you've always meant more to me than I could possibly express. I meant every word I said."

Without thinking, Jiyong leaned down and pressed his lips against Youngbae's forehead before pulling him into a tight embrace.

There was a moment of shocked silence as Youngbae stiffened within his hold, before melting into his embrace and burying his head into Jiyong's neck. He could feel Youngbae's warm breath against his skin as he spoke.

"I think I've been waiting to hear that from you for a long time."

"Can we at least give it a try?" Jiyong whispered into Youngbae's neck as he hooked his chin over Youngbae's shoulder. "Give us a try?"

Youngbae leaned into him with his eyes closed and really, there was no other way for him to answer that question.

"If we're going to do this, we might as well do it right."

There wasn't any hesitance when Youngbae pulled him down into a brilliant, passionate kiss that left them both gasping for breath afterwards.

"I love you too," Youngbae replied and really, neither of them had ever felt so complete and whole than in that moment, the moment when their love for each other was confirmed.

Jiyong was still shocked that he had just heard the words he had been wanting to hear from Youngbae's beautiful lips. 

Youngbae grinned and grasped his hand, pulling Jiyong back to the bedroom.

Mind barely functioning, Jiyong was barely able to mutter a few words about some blankets he had already laid out in the living room. When he had first saw Youngbae sleeping on the bed, he had every intention to claim the living room couch as his own for the night.

Youngbae just laughed at the utterance.

"Didn't you have a...problem that needed to be fixed?" Youngbae teased, eyes glancing down at the front of Jiyong's pants. With almost a shy smile, he again sat down at the edge of one side of the bed and patted the empty space besides him. "I could help you with that."

The look on Jiyong's face must have said it all, because all Youngbae could do was laugh as he grabbed Jiyong's hand and guided him to the bed.


	9. Reunion

Nobody questioned anything because there was nothing to question.

Of course, that didn’t mean that they didn’t have questions. It just meant that whatever questions they did have went unasked (and therefore unanswered), because nobody wanted to go back to the before. Having to witness two people with thirteen years of history between them agonizingly stumble around each other and put in a distance that didn’t (shouldn’t) exist between them before was just painful for everyone to watch, especially for those that have known them the longest.

Daesung was especially worried. Seunghyun was steadfast in his belief that everything would be fine, that the two would right the wrongs and fix what was broken and the world would be as right as rain. Daesung could tell some of it was an act though, could see the worry in the depths of the elder’s eyes, and the tightening of his lips as his thoughts went down paths that were better left unexplored.

Seungri was the least affected of the three. Sometimes, Daesung wondered if he even knew, but Seungri was far from an idiot. He was dense and occasionally oblivious at times, but he was also unexpectedly full of depth. The latter rarely ever manifests itself in the amalgam that was Seungri, but it was there, Daesung had seen it. 

When the two in question abruptly packed up and left for Dolce Vita barely a day after the New Year’s party, there was a sense of apprehension, but also hope.

It would be weeks before Daesung would see them again, but when he finally did, he thought it was silly of him to have ever been so worried in the first place.

 

* * *

 

A van pulled up close to the entrance of YG Entertainment and out stepped a barely recognizable figure. Youngbae rushed into the building dressed like he was prepared for a winter apocalypse. He wore a black sweatshirt over his simple white tee, a long jacket that almost reached his knees, a knitted black Givenchy hat (which was Jiyong's), a nice pair of Timbs, and a pair of thin gloves to keep his hands warm. It all amounted to a less than five-minute trek from his apartment to the car and then a short distance from the car to the YG building, but he'd be damned before he gets sick again, especially since he was in the midst of recovering.

When he finally reached the studio, Jiyong was already situated where he usually was: in front of the computer screen with the headphones hanging loosely around his neck.

Youngbae didn't say anything at first. He merely stood and observed the leader as his head bobbed to whatever track he was working on and his brow furrowed whenever he heard something he didn’t like. It has been a while since they had last seen each other, the last time being at Dolce Vita, which always felt like some sort of dream to Youngbae.

To think that a few days after their confession, after the words and the tears, after the kiss and the touches that followed, he just had to get sick. The irony wasn’t lost on him that even though Jiyong was the one that got soaked, he was the one that got sick, which was undoubtedly some sort of karmic intervention for having started the splash war in the first place.

And Jiyong had to choose then of all times to be a bit mischievous in trying to suggest that Youngbae was incapacitated because of reasons other than a cold.

"I'm just an excellent lover, I know," Jiyong had teased for the rest of their stay at the pension while Youngbae was sick as a dog and spent most of the day laying in bed. "They do call me Dragon for a reason."

The teasing normally would have been insufferable, but Jiyong had been such an angel to him during that time, Youngbae had felt that he could put up with a little teasing.

It had been frustrating, even for him, that when it felt like they were finally getting somewhere with their relationship, the universe had to put a stop to it with a well-timed cold.

"Youngbae."

Startled out of his reverie, Youngbae was suddenly face to face with Jiyong, who was holding the studio door open for him expectantly with a fond smile on his face.

"After you," he said and Youngbae stepped through the threshold with ease. He made a show of not looking at Jiyong as he unbuttoned his jacket with his back towards the rapper and still he could feel Jiyong's gaze upon him. Watching him. Observing him.

And honestly, Youngbae thought he knew exactly how Jiyong felt, because he felt it too. The separation had been far too long, especially when they had just started to reconnect the bonds that had been strained to the point of nearly being broken, while other bonds were tentatively being built, too fragile yet to stand on its own. It was ridiculous to think that in such a relatively short amount of time that Jiyong would forget about it all, but Youngbae couldn’t let go of the thought that maybe it was all a dream or perhaps Jiyong had come to his senses and realized that a relationship like this wasn’t meant for them, or —

As he turned around, Youngbae was immediately engulfed by Jiyong's warm embrace. The doubts were gone as soon as he held Jiyong in his arms, felt the trembling lips pressing gently onto his own and the tightening of Jiyong’s arms around him. It felt good to be in his arms again, even better now that he wasn't fighting a cold and he could actually enjoy the little circles Jiyong was rubbing into his back and the kisses he pressed into his forehead after removing his hat.

"I've missed you," Jiyong said quietly with a sigh.

"I've missed you, too," Youngbae answered into his neck. After a while of simply holding each other, they finally parted and Jiyong directed him to the couch. The rapper drank in the sight of his tired Youngbae, the bags that nights of restless sleep had left underneath his eyes, and the paleness of his complexion that told of the illness he had been fighting with since they’ve last seen each other.

"You looked like you spent a whole month in bed," he commented as he ran his fingers through Youngbae's messed up blonde locks.

"I spent another week lying around in my own bed after leaving Dolce Vita," Youngbae corrected. “And then a week after that just walking around my apartment like a zombie.” He looked at Jiyong before quietly adding, "It was a lonely without you."

Jiyong smiled.

"If you really missed me, you could have just given me a call. I would have dropped everything in a second to share a bed with you again."

Youngbae had no doubt that it was the truth. In fact, he knew that Jiyong would have done something like that, but how could he do that to Jiyong, who was busy with activities overseas? Even though what Jiyong was saying was hardly anything scandalous, Youngbae was indeed flushed with embarrassment and he could also see the light dusting of pink over Jiyong's features as well.

They were sitting alone in the studio together, hands clasped casually between them as they silently waited for the other members to arrive while letting their minds wander elsewhere. True to his word that night, Youngbae had helped Jiyong take care of his obvious arousal and Jiyong returned the favor in full. It was the first time that they ever touched each other in an intentionally sexual way, the first time Youngbae even allowed the thought of what sleeping with Jiyong would feel like to enter his mind as he kissed him and used his hand to give Jiyong his release. Now, he was willing to admit that he has had thoughts like that before, but it was always something fleeting, something he had worked hard to suppress and never would he imagine that a fantasy like that could now easily become a reality.

He no longer needed to suppress such thoughts, just as he no longer needed to ignore the way Jiyong looked at him with dark, pupil blown eyes full of want and need, like how the rapper was looking at him in that very moment.

Lucky for Jiyong, instead of ignoring him, Youngbae wrapped his arms around him and tentatively kissed him. When their lips finally met in a way that was far from the chaste kiss they had shared earlier, it was hard to stop things from escalating into something more. The kiss was so soft and warm, so unassuming, it was like Youngbae's mind had been wiped clear of everything except Jiyong as his mouth, lips, and tongue worked so effortlessly to steal Youngbae’s breath away.

Youngbae gasped for breath as he felt Jiyong slip a hand underneath his sweatshirt and t-shirt, hot hands running up and down the length of his side and over his crucifix tattoo. Youngbae responded by kissing his way down Jiyong's jaw and neck, pulling the neckline of Jiyong's shirt aside before placing a wet sloppy kiss on the place where Jiyong's Dragonball tattoo was inked onto his skin.

They really should have stopped there, but suddenly Jiyong was on top of him, pressing him into the black leather couch and desperately kissing him while Youngbae wrapped his arms around Jiyong's shoulders and was desperately trying to keep up. YG’s camera system and the eventual arrival of the other members were far from their thoughts as they were quickly lost within each other.

As luck would have it, Seungri's boisterous laugh and Yang Hyunsuk's nasally voice carried well throughout the hallway. They parted breathlessly as they heard the number of voices double as the group grew near, most likely signifying the presence of Seunghyun and Daesung as well.

When Daesung opened the door of the studio and the group piled in, Jiyong was sitting in front of the computer pulling up some tracks while Youngbae was looking down at the screen of his phone. The atmosphere felt tense, though not in the same way it had been before, so Daesung was confused. Seunghyun was the one to put their disheveled appearance and the weird atmosphere together first. He could hardly wait to have a moment alone with Daesung to tell him that he had been right all along.

Drawing upon his acting skills, Seunghyun approached the two while YG and Seungri had yet to notice anything strange. "You guys didn't have too much fun without us, did you?" Seunghyun asked quietly, his tone feigning ignorance but his eyes gleaming suggestively at the two.

Smiling innocently, Youngbae simply shook his head.

"No, not as much fun as you and Daesungie had in Japan,” Youngbae said so that the other occupants in the room, save for Jiyong and Seunghyun, couldn’t hear it.

Daesung would eventually notice the eldest member's distinct lack of commentary for the rest of the evening. He saw the smile adorning Youngbae’s face and the glint in Jiyong’s eyes whenever they would look over to their quiet hyung, but he could never put two and two together until the end of the night when Seunghyun told him about what had transpired as they were on their way home.

Once it had all come into the light, Daesung could do nothing more but laugh, even if it was at the expense of both him and Seunghyun.

* * *

 

Good news: surprise, this isn't the last chapter! I realized that I just wanted to add some things before they head off to Paris, so it'll be one or two more chapters yet before the end. Please read and leave a comment/review and thanks for sticking with this story for so long! 

**Author's Note:**

> Another one of my works from AFF that I'm transferring here. Originally written for the RISE writing contest, I actually bought the album myself not too long after entering the contest and so I just let my plot bunny chill for a period of time for I wasn't really interested in winning the contest anymore, lol. Now, the originally planned two-shot has evolved into something much more than that. Hope any new/old readers will comment and enjoy.


End file.
